It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn
by foreverchasingthedream
Summary: Nick writes Carla a letter with his thoughts on the eve of their wedding.
**I had the idea of using this song as it seemed to fit well for Nick and Carla. It's been quite rushed but I hope you enjoy it. I do really appreciate all the lovely reviews that people leave, so please keep them coming :)**

Dear Carla,

 _Regrets collect like old friends_  
 _Here to relive your darkest moments_

Carla. Here we are. The moment has almost arrived. Within just 12 hours we will be Mr and Mrs Tilsley. Carla Tilsley. Never did two names sound so perfect together.

We may have only been together for 10 months but it feels like a moment. Just one moment since our first drunken kiss. Just one moment since I told you I loved you. Just one moment since those three words escaped your lips. Just one moment since you asked me to marry you and not one moment will go by when I regret the three lettered response that meant you were mine for keeps.

Regrets. I may say they're pointless but it doesn't mean I don't have them, that you don't have them. They're all around us. In the walls we live, in the thoughts of our minds, in the ones we're surrounded by. I have had regrets but I know now that all of that has happened to lead me to this moment.

This moment that consists of being wide awake at 3am on the day of our wedding. I'm not awake because I'm nervous, it's not the excitement keeping me awake. It's the fact that you're not by my side, not in my arms that is preventing me from sleeping. Without you there is no me. You are my comfort and my constant.

 _I like to keep some things to myself_  
 _I like to keep my issues strong_

I know we try to not dwell on the past all that much but I want you to know this. After the crash I never thought I'd live again. Not live properly, a life that I wanted to. But now I am. I've never felt as alive as I have this last year.

When I walk into our flat and see you fast asleep on the sofa, these are the moments I treasure the most. When we're lay in bed on a Friday night talking about the most pointless things, these are the moments I treasure the most. When you trust in me, when we open up our deepest fears to one another, these are the moments I treasure the most. When we're just still and holding one another, these are the moments I treasure the most.

 _And I've been a fool and I've been blind_  
 _I can never leave the past behind_

Over this year I've seen so much of you and at the same time I'm still learning everyday.

I'm learning how to make you smile, how to make you feel comfortable, how to soothe you when you're in desperate need of love, how to be there for you. I will never stop learning and never stop trying.

I do not feel that I am worthy of you Carla Connor. You are the strongest, most inspiring, beautiful woman that I know. That day when our lips first met I questioned everything. I questioned why an independent woman like you would want a man who can't even add up. I doubted everything. I'm always doubting my own ability to be the best for you. I want to do better, I want you to know that unlike your past relationships I will be there for you, every single day.

I don't want you to leave your past behind just because we are the future. Your past has made you. I know about the loves of your life and I understand that parts of you will always love them. I can see the love in your eyes when you talk about Liam, all the hours the pair of you would spend messing around when you were kids. But I can also see the worry in your eyes, you thinking that maybe I don't want to hear about your past lovers. I do Carla. They are a part of you, I want us to be open with one another, share our pasts, our memories and then add to these with memories of our own.

The past is something we shouldn't leave behind.

 _And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back_  
 _So shake him off_

There are so many things that I can see haunt your every move. I can feel the way you flinch when the buzzer goes late on in the evening, I can see the way you double check all the candles are blown out at night, I can sense that glimmer of loss and hope that flickers across your eyes when we pass a family with young children in the street.

I hope that together we can be stronger. That together we can shake off ours demons, together we can face anything the world puts in our way.

 _And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope_

I don't know what may lie ahead in our future, what we might have to battle.

I know we try to avoid talk of what's to come, we just live for the moment. But I wanted to share with you how I see our future...

I see us living in a 3 bedroom house just outside Weatherfield with a nice big garden with enough room for our children to run around and make the memories I know you never had. I picture you carrying our newborn baby into Underworld to proudly show them off to your workforce, I see us walking hand in hand up the school path as we drop them off to their first day at school, I see us growing old surrounded by our loving family.

But that's all just a dream. A dream that I would never force upon you, a dream that can be put to one side. A dream that I don't want to push you into.

Having you by my side is more important than any of my personal dreams. I want us to be able to look up into the night sky and not dream of our own thoughts, but to dream of our future together, whatever form that may come in.

You are more important to me.

So on my last night that I will ever have to spend without you I just want you to know that no matter what the future holds, no matter what we face, no matter how it happens I will be at your side, holding your hand.

Carla, I want you to see that every battle you have fought has been worth it and I want you to know...

 _It's always darkest before the dawn_

All my love  
Your Nicky


End file.
